Relationships…

My relationships ended in him turning crazy or me getting bored. That’s what I told the knight. It’s true. I either ended up with bruises or I got sick of being someone’s one. I don’t know. Even now, the knight is staying over tonight and all I feel is GUILTY. I know at some point soon I am leaving but he doesn’t. Why am I so stand off-ish? What is it about being in a relationship that terrifies me so? Is everyone like this? Please tell me this is normal because I’m worried I may be off the mark and totally not ready for a relationship. O just don’t know. I want to be all in, but how can I knowing he is more invested in ‘us’ then I am?

Multi-Verse?

I have of late become so incredibly interested in this area of Science. I was never a Science kid in school, I was the English Lit nerd. Bookish type, you know? But of late I have been pouring myself over Carl Sagan, Bill Nye, DeGrasse Tyson and Britsih YouTuber Charlie Mc Donnell (aka Charlieissocoollike).
It was Charlie who got me hooked on this from his Fun Science videos. From that point on I decided to try and at least grapple with some prevailing theories of our universe. That is the magic of YouTube and the Internet of course, all the educational knowledge that has been accumulated is chronicled upon the web readily available to those who possess a connection.
I love that. The easiest way to spread education. This excites me. How our learning is changing as we become educators. Charlie taught me and I cannot wait to pass on my interests (educationally) to someone else.
So getting back to the universe theory. Wow, I get off track quick! Now while there is many theories as to how we are here it is important to accept that these are just the best ideas we currently have. (Hello flat centre of the universe earth theory!) That was not all that long ago in terms of space time, if you get me. Now while we can never count the universes out there, ‘Holy Stephen Hawking!’ (Thank you Chris Anderson! 😀 ) String Theory does hypothesize that multi-verses could exist. That means that our own universe could be in existence elsewhere, and so on, and so on, And even still with subtle or MAJOR differences. Physics! This means that our paradigm in terms of the knowledge of space and everything we have believed to be known may be changing. We are on the precipice of change. Never has there been a more exciting time to be immersed in the field of Physics (Hadron Collider aside).
So it is with thanks to a great prolific YouTuber that I owe this new love and hobby. Charlieissocoollike thank you for showing an odd Irish book worm a world beyond which she thought capable.
For anyone who hasn’t had the ‘almost imponderable joy of watching Charlieissocoollike’ I urge you to do so immediately and subscribe if you like. He’s a whovian too! 😉 Sings and does his own films. I am so excited!
ily xxx

Confronting the past.

Today I decided to buy a journal and for the first time in a long time I am going to be completely honest. Honest about everything. All the bad things, all the good things and all the things that I wish to be or do. I have not been honest and open with people because it gets me hurt in the long run. I cannot be honest because the past scares me. It has scarred me. I have had time to grow and Marie has been such a source of caring for me that I feel it is time to confront the past. The way of doing it, for me is to write it all down, walk away and at some stage come back and read my own interpretation of what happened to me. It probably isn’t the healthiest option psychologically speaking, but I think the only way for me to close that weak part of me is to get it all out of my system without the fear of it being thrown back in my face.

I hate being vulnerable.

ily xxx

I am a bad person.

Did you ever get the feeling that the person you’re with isn’t the perfect person for you? That they are more the perfect right now because you found the ideal person when you were no longer looking. It sucks. Are you sure? Are they right or do they just seem perfect cos’ you’re a little bored? One can never be truly happy with their lot in life and honestly that scares me. I’ve always been this way. I am the architect of my own downfall and that is a cycle that endlessly repeats itself. 

If it is not my penchant for picking the worst possible guys, its me picking them right after I find the perfect good guy! And my head gets swayed! The knight is great, he’s so perfect in like every possible way that it drives me nuts! I want to be happy with what I have cos’ he’s so nice-like Bambi nice but I can’t settle. Marie has told me he’s more invested in us than I am and she’s right. He won’t go for jobs in other areas because it’ll mean we’ll see each other less and no doubt fizzle out. Yet here I am planning on swanning off to ANOTHER CONTINENT without even so much as regarding his feelings!

I can’t stay. My flightiness kicks in BIG TIME and here I am in this relationship knowing that I’m not in this relationship for the long haul. I am leaving and I can’t say if I’ll come back. My job is so important to me that if I have to stay away from 5 years to be an educator I will. I can’t tell him. He knows. He has to surely? But every time I bring up the topic of travelling he shuts me down, I don’t think he wants to face it and I don’t either. I want to avoid the confrontation.

I am a bad person.

A day in the life of…well, me.

I am a boring person, sure I have had some dashings of drama in my twenty-odd years of life but for all intents and purposes, I’m actually quite dull. My day today emphasisies this. I went to the mall bout all healthy foods to make a super healthy spag bol. (Wedding coming up and I need to look good!) So I gots the grub, new clothes, horrible black old woman shoes for work and me and the knight went back to mine. I was all domesticated 50s housewife today. I was so excited to cook. 

I browned the minced, added a red onion, grated carrot, some oregano, basil and garlic and mixed. I lashed in some tomoatoe paste with a gulp of red wine plus a slather of Worcestershire sauce and a can of tinned tomatoes. All of this atop a bed of tagatelle and it was good! All from scratch but I did it. Now I sit here having polished off a full bottle of red wine. Yup, 75cl of Australian Red at 12.5% is gone. Definitely over the usual limit! Now after that one would assume I would be full, but I’m not. I want a fag so, so bad. I know the BRCA 1 thing-surely I shouldn’t be smoking? And you’d be right but all the while I keep thinking how nice a drag would be between these lips as I swirl more Shiraz down my pipe.

This is my life, Boring As Fuck.

ily xxx

Note: We Irish HATE drinking alone.

What is Love?

If anyone knows could you please fill me in because I just don’t get it.

Is Love quantifiable? Can we measure it? Often it is paired with light. So while darkness is the absence of light and hatred is the absence of love, does that mean love and light are the same? If that is the case and I do not hate someone, why do i automatically ‘love’ them. I do not. I may accept them but love does not flourish. So the opposite spectrum is nit the same for love and hat as it is light and dark. I’ve wondered this for some time and I can’t fathom what it all means. Why must love mean so much more between a physical sexual relationship than a friendship? I would put more meaning in my friendship than I would in any of my heterosexual relationships-but that apparently is weird. I don’t care if I’m not normal. In sexual relationships saying ” I Love You” is so hard. I had to seriously big myself up before I said it. Why? Sure sex is great and you want it to continue but why should saying that depend on the sex? Why can’t we be casual for a while and if feelings develop then fine and well; why complicate the good when it is very good? 
I do admit I can say “I love you” to my friends and to Marie more easily than to the knight however I really mean it more to Marie. That’s bad, isn’t it? Oh dear…

ily xxx

My attempt at fiction..

Note: I’ve always loved reading. From a young age my Mom encouraged me to travel and what better way to travel than through the pages? I’ve seen so many places while being right at home. I recently watched a video where a NerdFighter recommended bringing more magic to the world. So here is goes: My Jab at the surreal world of magic.  

Kathy hate her life. More than the typical teenager anyway. She had been through Hell and back and was still stuck in Carrigmór for the foreseeable future. Being an orphan is hard, but losing the adoptive parents on top of that? Disaster. This sixteen year old always had trouble in her wake. The mystery surrounding young Kathy’s birth parents had not put off the Doyle’s for they wanted a child more than all the warnings that came attached to Kathy O’ Draíochta. She was seven when her mother and father drowned on dry land. No-body could fathom it. The coroner was baffled as was the media and gardaí. All who heard about the peculiar deaths of the O’ Draíochta’s were puzzled all but young Kathy. She hadn’t meant it. She was different. So were her parents.

They had tried for years to hide their differences. No-one suspected them, but, when Kathy came along the magic that was inside her was more powerful than anyone in the O’ Draíochta clan. This bundle of energy she extolled was unmatched for generations and uneducated. So to the elders she went at the age of four to learn the ways of the magic clan for their name meant magic and they were the magic of the island. The elders however dismissed the powers of such a young child. How could a fiery haired, green-eyed, freckled child possess the powers of lore? Descendants of the O’ Draíocht clan were slowly losing their powers and becoming weaker, it was a fact. Young Kathy seemed to possess all what had been lost. 

Her temper needed to be reigned in. This was the first instance of trouble for the island as the young stubborn child collapsed the rock face where the elders stood scolding her for disobedience. The villagers placed the accident down to erosion and let it be but her parents grew concerned. If her temper ran unchecked what would it mean for them? What would it mean for the island? At seven they proposed a move. A fresh start. The young O’ Connell boy had died whilst in the farm and they knew what the villagers did not-he had angered wee Kathy. Kathy did not want to leave. She was happy controlling the simpler villagers, she was free on the island and moving off the island meant she would be trapped in a cement jungle. That was not happening. So came the day for the journey and her rage was all saved up. She focused hard on her parents meaning to just stop them leaving but they dropped to the ground at her feet choking on water. 

I get so far and then I stop, I will continue this later if I feel it can become more than just the incoherent bubbles in my brain. 

Self-Entitlement.

Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.-Mark Twain.

There are people you meet in life who always expect things to be handed to them. They get to go through life half-assing their way through school, work, friendships and relationships putting in the least amount of effort all because they feel the other people in their lives should be working hard to ‘maintain’ them. Now I met several people who meet this but none was more upsetting or devastating than Katie.

You see, she led me on. Not in a relation-shippy way but in a friendship way. That fucked me over in such a way that I really, really and truly find it hard to trust anyone from now one. There is an exception to most things and the anti-Katie is Marie. She is anything but what Katie is. Katie is a self-obsessed, over-bearing, over-indulged, prissy 24 year old with the mentality of a 17 year old high schooler. 

I have never known anyone to be so completely obtuse when it comes to dealing with people. She is so sure that she is the reason people think a certain way that follows her way of thinking. And if you disagree with her? Oh good God in Heaven she will move Hell to convince you. She cannot bear to think that she is wrong and if proven wrong? You misunderstood her. Misunderstood her? Like you’re fucking incompetent and unable to understand basic language that you learned when you were little.

We fell out, oh gosh it was about three months after I met her and that was over 4 years ago. As mentioned before she butted in on a major issue I had that was nothing to do with her and decided I was the villain in all of it. So now we don’t talk, we’re still Facebook friends. (I mean that’s entirely how our age group operates, not real friends but online oh sure!)  She’s at home with an incomplete degree, I’m on my way into another diploma and in a few semesters should be a qualified educator. It’ll just take a few years. But if the BRCA-1 has taught me anything it’s that I’m playing the long game. I’m committed to seeing this thing out for a very long time.

ily xxx

Moving on and up…

“Growing up sucks. Not all kisses are magical and most boys don’t live up to your expectations, but there are those times when everything, I mean love, romance, relationships, it all falls together perfectly and it’s incredible.”

Marie wants out. She wants to leave and I want to aswell. However, I am now getting reasons to stay. Not stay permanently, but stay for a while longer maybe 12 months. But I can’t tell her this because it will lead to a fight and crush me. I know she is down and depressed and I get like that too but I’m beginning to be happy and am afraid to go now because if I do now I may not go for teaching. I could end up continually putting it off all in the name of being a friend but I want to teach so much but I DO NOT WANT TO LOSE HER. I am Switzerland, I need to be on both sides of the argument. I don’t know anymore.
I just want to be 6 again getting put to bed by Mum and Dad.

ily xxx

One Night Off, Yet I can’t Turn Off…

A year after my surgery I found myself watching Brave, the Disney film. It was a peculiar feeling because I found myself feeling all these phantom pains common with surgery yet I was a year clear.  I vividly remember gasping for air whilst watching the animation and this time around, I was stifling my laughter as my friends dozed beside me. 

During this time I was forced into an awkward situation where the knight accidentally came to ask me something I had been wrestling with for some time. ‘You still want to be with me yeah? XXX’ Honestly? I don’t know! I’ve become so consumed by the fear of being alone I’ve not stopped to consider if us being together is based on love or my crippling sense of not being able to say NO to someone lest I disappoint them. Halfway through my ‘crisis’ I just decided to try and switch off and enjoy the moment. 

A very, very, very good friend of mine (my person) recommends my switching off at times and I’m beginning to think that she has it right even if she stays permanently switched on for me. But then again it is easy to give out advice that take it on yourself isn’t it?

ily xxx